Categories
2 Kings Exodus Isaiah Old Testament

When We Don’t See What We Need to See

During difficult times in my life, I have made sense of the situation through poetry and song.  Writing has always been central to processing emotion.  It’s like the feelings go from the end of the pen on to the paper.  Some topics flow well.  When things are really, really difficult, I stop processing.  The words stop and don’t flow.  I don’t want to write it because I don’t want it to be real.  When I don’t yield to the writing, then the writing stops.  The next words don’t come, and the wellspring of words simply runs dry.  So – maybe it is easier not to write rather than to have to feel.  Maybe that is why God sent me the directive to continue on my writing – to process my feelings.

When I do process those intense feelings, I don’t share my work.  The deep emotion is for me to sense and is really raw and exposed.  It’s almost as though I don’t want anyone to know me that well.  I have been fighting the urge to write for a while now.  This post, this post, this post is why.

My daughter was sick again last fall.  I wrote about being scared last year when we went through this the first time.  This time I ventured between determination and faithfulness and total desperation.  She loves to read and could not read for 9 weeks.  She is okay, and I think we may be through this.  But, who knows?  This could happen again.  And, here is the truth.  I CAN’T CONTROL IT.  Yes, I know that is the block.  No matter how many long lists of plans and checklists I make, no matter how conscientious my planning is, no matter how desperately I want this, it is not mine it is His.

My realization came when I hit a moment of desperation last Fall.  I was determined that I would get God’s attention.  I told my husband that I would pray more, fast more, and give more — whatever it took  until God heard me.  But, here’s the thing – He had heard me all along.  When I went to bed that night, I awoke with a startle and heard Him say in a firm, rebuking but somehow assuring tone, “I hear you.”  The God of the universe knew what I wanted.  He already had this.  From that moment on, I began praying for God to match the desires of my heart with His will.

When we prayed and sought medical counsel, we decided to see a children’s specialist across the country.  We bought plane tickets, hotel stays, and met the doctor.  In my heart, there was every reassurance that this was the right thing to do.  God had heard me, and he had given us multiple signs that this was the answer.  We left, disappointingly, without an answer.

It was during this time that I wrote this song.  (It has a tune – but SERIOUSLY who wants to hear me sing!).  No matter what my senses perceived, I knew God was at work.  And, he was.  A test result that had been negative came back positive despite what the doctor believed would happen, and the treatment worked.

Looking back, I can see how arrogant I was thinking that God wasn’t listening because I wasn’t screaming loud enough – as if my will could somehow be stamped onto Him.  I see where my faith failed me that night because I believed the enemy who said God was not at work because I didn’t see it.  It was the assurance that he had heard me that carried me through the next few weeks with a strong believe that no matter what I saw in the physical realm, the spiritual realm was at work on my behalf.  God had HEARD me.

Exodus 14:14  The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Isaiah 64:4 Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.

2 Kings 6:17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see.” Then the LORD opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

I Believe

God is my God, and I am thankful.
God is my God, and I believe.
God is my God, and I am thankful
No matter what my eyes see.
No matter what my eye see.

God is my God, and I am thankful.
God is my God, and He is near.
God is my God, and I am thankful
No matter what my ears hear.
No matter what my ear hear.

God is my God, and I am thankful.
God is my God, and I will tell.
God is my God, and I am thankful
No matter what my nose smells.
No matter what my nose smells.

God is my God, and I am thankful.
God is my God, and He is real.
God is my God, and I am thankful
No matter what my skin feels.
No matter what my skin feels.

God is my God, and He is faithful.
God is my God, and He will act.
God is my God, and He is faithful.
I will not be looking back.
I will not be looking back.

So, maybe this post is for me.  Maybe this post is for you.  I’ve procrastinated long enough.  God was faithful.  She appears to be well, and we are hopeful.

Leave a Reply