My Longest Day

Job 1: 20-22

20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”

22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

My husband and I prayed for a child for a really long time.  God led us through a path of faith lessons, and the waiting was a really long, hard time.  Our first pregnancy ended soon after it began.  People say that you “get over” these losses.  Twelve years later, and I still grieve.  My older friends still grieve after fifty years.  Most days, my mind does not go to those days.  The baby was due in August, and we found out in December.  As those months approach, I still find my heart sad.  The hardest part was that we walked through that journey largely alone.  We had a few friends that understood, but our families definitely did not know how much we hurt, how much we suffered, and how hard those days were.  I had one friend who shared how she contemplated suicide after losing her baby, and I had another cousin who cried through the process with me.  In another post, I may share some poetry from that time.  The days were hard, hard, hard.  God walked with us, and he was faithful to heal.

Finally, through much intervention, we found ourselves expecting a daughter.  The whole process was miraculous and defied medical logic.  We were happy, and we were nervous.  I suffered the early part of the pregnancy with occasional spotting of blood.  It was really scary, and I drew closer and closer to God.   I can remember driving to work on one particular day and praying to God, “Lord, this baby is yours.  You hold the very life and death of this child in your hands.  I know that you give and that you take away.”  It was a long journey.  We flew to go to a family member’s funeral, and the spotting increased.  That was the end of visiting family until after the baby was born.

It is in this context, that I woke up on a Saturday morning on week 24 with a lot of blood.  So much more than there had been before.  I didn’t call my mother (who has always been my prayer warrior and rock of faith) because I couldn’t.  Just as I couldn’t explain the very intense personal pain of the journeys to date, I didn’t have the words to tell what I was experiencing.  We met my doctor at the doctor’s office, and through a comedy of errors (NOT funny at the time), she was waiting at one door and we were waiting at the other.  During this time, I found peace with God through walls of fear.  I also composed this song.

I’ve been through so much Lord, please don’t leave me here.
My heart’s full of pain and my head’s full of tears.
I’ve followed you through sunshine, through lightening, through pain.
I’ve followed you through joy, through sorrow, through pain.
Please walk beside me lest my feet should fall,
And see me through the journey ’til we get through it all.

There are verses, and someday I’ll add those to the blog when I run across them.

Through my pain came God’s healing.  I still grieve, and I always will.  I also know a savior who loves me. He has the right to give and to take away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

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